Crazy Train
by NoClueKid
Summary: Fuhrer President Mustang is building a train to Xing. What *couldn't* go wrong? A fan tribute with (I hope) the right balance of canon, offspring, and original characters. Set 20 years after the events of the series.
1. The Stowaway

(A/N: Cadwgan Gruffudd is pronounced Kad-oo-gan Grif-ith.)

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"Thanks again for your hospitality." Said State Alchemist Cadwgan Gruffudd. He stood in the Resembool train station, the handle of a large trunk in one hand, a wicker basket of assorted pies in the other. "I must have gained five pounds since Friday."

"It was my pleasure." Said Winry Elric-Rockbell. "The kids love you, and you need a few square meals before they ship you out."

"Tell them I'll bring souvenirs from Xing." _Assuming I ever make it back_.

Major Cadwgan dragged his trunk into the military train. Steam billowed, hissing, as its steel body shuddered into motion. He waved a glum goodbye to Winry as the platform slid slowly away from him.

"Is it true there's a sheepfestival in Resembool?"

The voice of Second Lieutenant Lenity 'Len' Holt brought him crashing back into reality.

"I believe there is, yes." The alchemist said evenly.

The two were a study in contrasts. Cadwgan's hair, ash white and pin straight, was cut high and tight. Len's was a medusine tangle of black curls so thick they overshadowed the eyes beneath. Len's half-veiled face was anemically pale, while Cadwgan was dusky as a clove, and, at six and half feet, a full head taller.

"I like wool and mutton as much as anyone," Len said, "but that's an almost suspicious love of sheep. They say humans caught gonorrhea that way."

" _What?"_

"Screwing sheep." Len clarified. "That's how - "

"No, I mean – why do you know that?"

"It's my job."

"It's not…"

Len was Cadwgan's bodyguard, and did the job well, off-color remarks aside.

"Resembool is a lovely place." Cadwgan said. "I'd consider living there."

"Not thinking of leaving me for some civilian lady?"

"Only every waking moment." Cadwgan sighed.

Len cackled. "Well, you sure won't find one this side of Xing."

"I'm aware." Cadwgan hoisted his trunk with a sound of exertion. "This is heavier than I remember."

Len grabbed the other side. "Nancy."

"I'm not saying it's _too_ heavy, just heavi _er_."

"Right, right."

As the highest-ranking officer on board, Cadwgan had a private cabin. Luxurious compared to the barracks, the space was small in and of itself, and most of it was filled with boxes.

"You sure packed." Len said, as they set down one piece of luggage amid all the rest.

"I don't even own this much stuff." Objected Cadwgan. "It's what the government thinks I'll need to study Eastern Alchemy."

Len bent to examine one of the boxes, baring the insignia of the Amestrian government. "This one has test tubes."

"Of which I've used zero in my career as a State Alchemist."

"Well, now you get to carry a box of them to the ends of the earth." Len grinned. "I bet we could hawk them."

Cadwgan sighed again. Len would, no doubt, fare well enough in the badlands beyond civilization. He'd spent his own life trying to get out of such places.

"So how are the Elric-Rockbells?" Len didn't care, but was resigned to the fact that Cadwgan did, and seemed to want distracting.

"Never better. I can already tell Lucy will make better State Alchemist than I'll ever be."

"What about the Rockbell Automail business?"

"More her brother's interest." Said Cadwgan. "Winry says that Maes is just like his father, until he sees something with gears. Then his soul belongs to automail."

Len listened with half an ear, not imagining the information would be relevant.

"She gave me some food," Cadwgan said, remembering. "Would you care to…?"

"Nah," said Len. "My fancy is the meal car. See you tomorrow."

.

"Honey, Ronnie." Len greeted a short, muscular man and tall, thickset woman, taking a seat at the table across from them.

"Fuck off, Holt." Snapped 'Honey', a.k.a. Lieutenant Osborne, a.k.a. 'Oz'. Len was the only one foolish enough to call him the h-word.

"Ain't Mustang got rid of you yet?" Inquired the woman, Rhonda Walsh.

"He's doing his damnedest," Len replied, "shipping me out here again."

"Reports of bandit activity is down." Said Peter Ellis, the only one at the table who had never been as far as Point East. "And now, they wouldn't dare – not with a Sate Alchemist on site."

There was an almost imperceptible pause.

"Maybe so." Said Rhonda. Len could hear in her voice that she didn't really believe it either.

.

Much later, when the lights in Cadwgan's cabin were out, his breath deep and slow in slumber, something moved in the cabin that should not.

The trunk stirred. Slightly, at first. Then with more determination. The zipper was pulled open from the inside. A bright golden eye peered out.

Finding the coast clear, a small boy with golden hair and eyes emerged from the trunk. He stretched the kinks out of his long-inert limbs, and crept quietly out of the cabin.

With everyone asleep, he was off to examine the train's engine. It was his dream come true, a magnificent monster of a machine: military-grade, cutting-edge, bound to the ends of the earth!

He had left a note explaining. He could only shudder when he imagined his mother's response, but he would be safe from her in Xing. Perhaps, when he returned home with glory and riches, she would see that he had been ready. She would have to understand, they were just alike in that regard, after all.

Such were his hopes as he stole along the dark and narrow hall, cautious but confidant.

.

It was one of those nights when Len and sleep were not friends. It was loud and stuffy in the barracks, so he smoked a few cigarettes on the narrow metal walkway between two cars. Looking for a reason not to go back, Len went to check on Cadwgan's cabin.

It was unlocked.

Len drew his gun and yanked the door open. Everything appeared to be as it should inside.

"Hey!" Len pummeled the peacefully sleeping Cadwgan. "Hey, wake up!"

"Mmph, wha…?"

"Did you lock your door before you went to bed?"

"I...yes, I'm pretty sure I did." He fumbled his glasses on, still half-asleep. "Why?"

Len was already moving back toward the door. "Because it wasn't when I came in."

.

The boy slipped out of the train car to find himself standing upon a small metal platform. It was a long step down onto the jointed walkway between cars. If structurally sound, it was still disconcertingly mobile.

From among his many pockets, he drew a pair of bulky yet meticulously jointed gloves. They were custom designed for him (manufacturing was anther story). He placed one gloved hand, palm-down, on to the metal side of the car. It held fast. Only a sharp tug with his body weight behind it would dislodge the magnetic grip.

Climbing hand by hand in such a manner, he began to scale the train, tugging each hand off only after the next grip was firmly established.

As he approached the top, the sound of gunfire tore the night. The boy cried out in shock and fear as bullets scattered sparks around him. A surge of adrenaline carried him onto the roof of the car.

Len watched the target vanish over the top of the train. He could not fathom how the small form moved, like a spider up a wall. It didn't matter. There were only two directions the target could be going.

The boy's main impediment was moving between cars. Their roofs were several feet apart. Peaking over the gap, he saw the ground rushing twelve feet below. The sight made his head spin, but to take the convention route risked capture.

He took several steps back from the edge. Taking a deep breath, he got a running start, and hurled himself at full speed into the dark, windy void. He barely grabbed onto the lip of the next car, legs thrashing about as he clung dear life.

Len, who had been lying in wait, burst through the door of the car from which Maes had jumped. He also took a running start, seizing Mayes around his dangling legs.

The two collapsed onto the narrow walkway. Maes put up a spirited struggle, but Len pinned him against the slotted metal floor.

"Who are you?" Len growled.

"His name is Mayes Elric." Said Cadwgan. Maes and Len turned, as one, to see him standing in the doorway, his uniform coat flung on over his pajamas. "And he has a lot of explaining to do."

"I know not thees Maes El-reek." Said the boy in a fake accent.

"Kid," said Len, "that name is the all that'll save you from a world of - "

"He's a minor." Cadwgan cut in.

"Fine, Mr. Juvenile Law," said Len, "how did he get here, and what do we do with him?"

"He seems to have stowed away in my trunk." Said Cadwgan. "I _told_ you it was heavier."

"Nancy."

"Just lemme go! I didn't do anything!"

"Or I could bury you in the desert where they'll never find your - "

"Okay, you're officially not babysitting." Cadwgan pulled Maes from Len's grip.

"Fine by me." Len said. "Little shit's a biter. And how the hell was he climbing like a bug?"

"Like a what?"

"My newest invention!" Maes wiggled his gloved fingers. "I call them Spider Gloves!"

"Why test them here?" Cadwgan asked."We're not doing this for fun."

" _I_ think our jobs are fun." Len muttered.

"Because." Maes reached into one of his pants' many pockets, producing a worn comic book. Its cover depicted a square-jawed, muscular man in military uniform. Bright red letters proclaimed him: _Hanz Gregory, the Railroad Alchemist._

"In the comics, Hanz Gregory builds this railroad!" Maes expounded. "In this volume, he makes rainstorm with his alchemy to put out a fire at the Way Out Outpost! He always has to save miss Hilda Honey, and fight the evil Mu Fanchu! It's the best thing ever!"

Len burst out laughing. Cadwgan could have wept.

"It's well past your bedtime." Cadwgan said instead. "Both of you." He moved into the train car, ushering Len and Maes along with him.

"You can't just put him to bed." Len objected, shutting the door behind him. "He's the son of Edward Elric, you have to tie his hands."

"I told you, he doesn't do alchemy." Said Cadwgan.

"He could be lying." A former 'problem child', Len was cognizant of children's capacity for deception.

"What do you suggest?" Cadwgan rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on.

"Tie him to a chair."

"Oh come on!" Maes pleaded. "Don't tie me up, I'll take the floor even."

Begging had a counterproductive effect on Len, who would have smacked him for whining.

Cadwgan was more sympathetic. "No. I'll take the floor. I'm not a light sleeper, but there's no way you can get out without walking over me."

"Oh for the love of - "

"Len, go to bed!"

"Fine." Len snapped. "When he gets himself killed, don't expect me to – "

A muffled _thud_ sounded from somewhere above their heads.

Everyone froze.

The sound was repeated, louder and closer: something heavy landing on the roof.

"You bring more friends?" Len asked.

"No." Said Cadwgan. "It's certainly no friends of mine.

.

.

(A note on names: The series doesn't give us much in the way of Ishvalan names. The only canon examples I recall – Logue Lowe and Madam Shaw (spelling varies with translation) – might be titles rather than given names. Either way, they don't strike me as being strongly associated with any preexisting naming conventions. I don't want to make assumptions, or impose my own geopolitical paradigm on what should be, in the end, just light fantasy. The only thing I want to do is create likable characters and torment them. To that end, I wanted to give my Ishvalan State Alchemist an impossible-to-pronounce name. I could invent one – but why, when Welsh exists? Thanks for reading!)


	2. The Attack

Len broke an external light fixture climbing to the roof of the train. Sand dunes stretched to the edge of sight, starkly palled beneath the moon. The thin light revealed several figures moving up the train. He went in pursuit.

"Find a place to hide, and stay quiet." Said Cadwgan, standing the door of his cabin.

"But I wanna help!" Maes protested from inside.

"And I want a good night's sleep." Cadwgan shut the door. Taking a piece of chalk from his pocket, he sealed the compartment shut with a quick transmutation. "Sorry kid, it's a bad night for both of us."

.

Len was pinned down under fire. He lay supine in the bed of the tender, the car just behind the engine, carrying its fuel. He took cover behind a pile of coal as two bandits shot at him. Their cover was the roof of the cab, the compartment in which the engineer and fireman would, under normal circumstances, control the supply of fuel to the engine.

Beyond the cab, two more figures moved about the locomotive. One perched on footboard, the narrow, external walkway along the side of the locomotive. The other crawled without brace or foothold, more smoothly than Maes in his magnetic gloves. It reached out and plunged one hand straight into the hull. Metal shrieked, and a jet of water sprouted from the breach.

As Cadwgan's footsteps faded down the hall, Maes set about escaping through the window. It was covered with a grate, but the boy used his tool belt to dislodge this from the frame. The space it left, too small for an adult, was just big enough for him.

From the window, he used his magnetic gloves to scale the train once more. On the roof, he could just make out the fight unfolding several cars ahead. Maes crept up the train, unseen by Len and the bandits both. After a precarious, windswept eternity, he reached the cabin. Peering up over the top, he was level with the boots of the bandits sheltering behind the cabin roof.

Capitalizing on their distraction, he tackled one behind, taking out his knees. The bandit tumbled from the train with a cry, while Maes's gloves barely saved him.

His thrill of triumph turned to dread, as the remaining bandit turned his gun on the boy.

Len leapt upon the roof of the engine cabin, black with coal dust, grabbing the bandit's gun with one hand, slitting his throat with the knife held in the other.

Maes stared, wide-eyed, as the body tumbled, limp, over the side.

The train was passing from the dunes into a wide, flat expanse of sand. With a roar that shook the night, several ATVs shot from shadowy crevasses of the withdrawing slopes, flanking the train on both sides.

One of the two remaining bandits jumped off, into one of the vehicles.

"More friends." Len turned his gun on the remaining bandit. "My lucky night."

The two bullets Len fired had no effect but to make it look at him. The moonlight showed a flat face with empty, shadowed eye sockets. The lipless mouth opened, producing a sound like rocks scraping rock.

It threw itself at Len with inhuman speed.

.

As water drained from the locomotive, the train shuddered and lost speed. Bandits threw grappling hooks and began jumping aboard. Their main target was the supply cars, breaking them open and throwing weapons, ammunition, and other supplies into the ATVs driving adjacent.

What few personnel had been awake and prepared at the time of the attack struggled to repel hostile forces on both sides. Alarms blared and lights flashed, as the defending reinforcements staggered from sleep, scrambling for clothes and weapons.

Cadwgan made his way up the battle-torn train, gunfire pounding his ears.

"Could this night get worse?" He asked, of no one in particular. The answer was yes, as he encountered Maes.

"How did you – "

"Never mind me!" The boy was overwrought with thrill and terror, immune to thoughts of future punishment. "The bad guys brought a monster! It was breaking the train and now it's chasing your scary friend!"

Cadwgan stood for a moment, frozen. Maes, Len, or the train? He _might_ be able to save one, but only by forsaking the others.

"Show me the damage."

Maes led him to the breach, climbing precariously along the outside of the locomotive with his magnetic gloves, while Cadwgan edged along the footboard, clinging to the handrail for dear life.

"Be careful of the water!" Maes warned, putting his knowledge of trains to good use. "It's boiling hot!"

"Thanks!" Cadwgan drew a piece of chalk from his pocket. The water was shooting out at a right angle from the engine's hull. Cadwgan reached around it, enclosing the breach with an array.

He brought his hands together, and laid them on the train. He used nonessential material to seal the leak.

The train continued to slow, coughing and sputtering consumptively.

"It's no good!" The engineer, an older man with a busy white mustache, had climbed outside to join Cadwgan on the footboard. "We've lost too much water!"

"Can we spare any coal and make it to Point East?" Cadwgan asked.

"Some…" Said the engineer doubtfully.

"Bring me all you can spare."

.

Len ran. Leaping over the cabin, he landed with a crunch in the tender.

The thing landed right behind him, wading through coal like a human would water.

Len changed course on a dime, ducking under its outstretched arms. It corrected all too quickly. Its fingers grasped Len's forearm, its digits hard as the coal in the tender.

With the sound of tearing fabric, Len threw himself over the side of the train.

He landed in a roofless ATV running parallel to the train, making it lurch with the impact. The driver took one look at Len, and leapt from the vehicle, causing it to swerve and fishtail.

Len dove for the wheel, barely avoiding a crash. Sliding into the driver's seat, he stomped on the gas pedal, speeding back into the fight.

.

The creature voiced its strange roar. For want of a moving target, it pummeled and tore at the train underneath it, but in that area did no vital damage.

That is, until a group of Amestrian reinforcements opened fire on it. Some of their bullets left pockmarks on its surface, but did no more than superficial damage.

Moving with uncanny speed for its size and weight, it broke the arm of one soldier and the ribs of another with a single blow from its fist. The third and forth emptied their guns into the monster as backed them into a corner.

"Hey ugly!"

A humanoid form covered in black and white fur jumped on the creature, slashing it with claws – that broke on a body harder than the hide of any animal. The stone monster seized the chimera and threw him down with a force that dented the metal roof.

Winded, the he lay frozen as the monster approached him.

The train car rocked as something huge charged up it. A second chimera – enormous and grey, with a horned, oblong head – slammed into the stone creature from behind. Its feet scattered sparks as they skidded on metal, but it dug in and pushed back. The chimera was larger, but the stone creature was more durable. The train car creaked and sagged beneath their struggle.

.

As Len had never gone to bed, he was still fully armed. He lobbed a grenade into the first enemy vehicle he passed. The darkness flared red as he pulled away. Realizing their vehicle had been hijacked, another ATV pulled along side Len's, opening fire from their mounted gun turret.

The embattled train was passing out of the flat terrain. Jagged outcroppings of sandstone arched up from the sand like the skeleton of a giant. Len banked hard. The ATVs collided, forcing the other ATV's wheels onto the rocks where they were low to the ground, yet swiftly climbing. The vehicle capsized, scattering parts and passengers.

The forth ATV was lost to Len's sight as the rocks drew closer and higher. Beyond him rose the largest yet formation, rising sharp and shear as a wall from the desert floor, looming ever closer as the train began to pick up speed.

The ATV carried a grappling hook and, using it for its intended purpose, Len threw it as hard as he could at the train. It caught. He leapt clear of the ATV a split second before it smashed into the rocks, sending a pillar of black smoke into the sky.

.

Standing on the handrail, clinging with one arm to the sand dome, Cadwgan drew an array on top of the train. He formed a raised lip in the metal, funneling into a small hole in the boiler.

Meanwhile, the engineer, fireman, and Maes formed a relay line, passing coal from the tender to the alchemy-made funnel on top of the locomotive.

Cadwgan drew a second, more complicated array around this. He knew nothing of trains, but he knew the chemical composition of coal: mostly carbon, but some hydrogen too. Brining his hands together, he used the freely available oxygen around them, with hydrogen from the coal. Water blossomed in the funnel, flowing downward to replace their depleted supply.

The train ceased shuddering, and their speed began to level out.

"Right." Cadwgan said, wiping steam and sweat from his glasses. "Now the monster. I hate my job."

.

Back on the roof, Len found Rhonda the rhino chimera locked in combat with the unknown monster. The train car groaned, warping under the weight of the stone monster and armored chimera as they struggled.

The two uninjured soldiers had dragged their fellows out of harm's way, but they had no way around the embattled titans.

Oz was climbing to his feet, clutching his ribs and wincing. He stopped abruptly when he noticed Len behind him.

"You're late." Said Oz.

"Shut up and pull." Len thrust one end of the rope he had used to scale the train at Oz.

They swung the rope under the monster's feet. Len laughed, because it reminded him of nothing so much as children playing jump rope. But the monster was far too heavy to jump. With Oz on one side and Len on the other, they pulled the rope taught against the creature's lower legs.

Other soldiers grabbed the rope on both sides. The soldiers pulled. The rhino pushed. Even Maes grabbed on.

"Heave!" Shouted the boy. "Heave for Hanz Gregory!"

Their combined strength knocked the creature's feet out from under it, even as the rope frayed and snapped.

Everyone fell – everyone except Rhonda. As the stone monster stumbled, off balance, she gave one final charge.

The stone monster plummeted over the side. She saw its body shatter on impact, before the night swallowed it.

A moment passed in silence, as each registered the fact they were alive, and the danger had passed just as quickly as it had come.

"Where's the monster?" Asked Cadwgan, poking his head over the top of the roof.

.

(A/N: I never did explain why Oz is called Honey. It's because his animal form is based on a honey badger. Len mistook it for a skunk. They've been enemies ever since. I have a bit more on these character somewhere, but it will need a lot of editing if I can even find it. Thanks for reading!)


End file.
